Welcome to Stagnation With NO Growth
"Ignorance is bliss—until you actually want your business to grow. But who needs success when you can revel in the comfort of the unknown?"
"Who Needs Marketing When Immeasurable Guesses and Business as Usual Feel So Comfortable?"
Why would your business even need data-driven, industry-specific techniques to navigate your business to success? "Forget Growth, Embrace Mediocrity!"
Brand Design - Random Is The New Trendy
Consistency is so last year. Use brand designs that are as unpredictable as a mood ring, to ensure that each piece of your marketing material is a surprise, even to you!
👍 Not-a-Site | Non-Logo | Anti-Design | Non-Writing | No Content
👎 Website | Logo | Graphic Design | Copywriting | Content
Social Media Marketing - Let’s Not Get Social
Why build a community when social isolation worked so well for centuries? Your strategy ensures your social media accounts are as engaging as a deserted island. You don’t need professionals when you can occasionally post something, ensuring minimal interaction for maximum obscurity.
👍 Unbook | Insta-gone | Snapgone | Unlinked | NoTube
👎 Facebook | Instagram | Snapchat | Linkedin | Youtube
Search Engine Optimization - Hide and Seek Champion
Who Needs SEO Anyway? Search Engine Optimization? More like Search Engines are Overrated. Why bother ranking higher when you can remain the internet's best-kept secret? After all, obscurity is the new exclusivity!
Being on the first page of Google is so mainstream. As a business owner, why would you ever need SEO strategies when you can specialize in hiding your site deep within search results? Say No to SEO, it is perfect for those businesses who adore privacy, treasure hunts, and ranking on page 200 of search engines.
👍Google Hiding | Keyword Ignorance | Generic Guesswork | None-site Misalignment | Site Neglects
👎 Google Ranking | Keyword Search | Custom Analytics | Onsite and Offsite Optimization | Site Audits
Google Ads - Do it yourself and waste the most money!
Ads are just another way to burn through your budget without seeing results. Why aim for clicks when you can aim for sighs? Just wing it and create ads that people will surely ignore, so you can spend money without the hassle of handling new customers.
Google Avoids: Help your competition with forgettable Ad Placement. Sink to the bottom with customers who never wanted to find you. Avoid targeting anyone and minimize brand visibility.
👍Google Ignore | Google Conceal | NoTube | Guesswork
👎Google Search | Google Display | Youtube | Analytics
Retail Traffic - Keep Those Shelves Stocked
Why bother selling products when you can admire them sitting on the shelves forever? Who needs retail marketing strategies if your goals are to keep foot traffic to a minimum, stock levels stagnant to ensure your products remain untouched and in mint condition?
👍 Geo-Avoidance | Random Audience | Vague Guesswork
👎 Geo-Targeting | Custom Audience | Detailed Analytics
Email Marketing - You've Got (Never Opened) Mail
Why aim for the inbox when you can go straight for the spam folder? Don’t bother with emails but if you do make sure your emails are guaranteed to be as ignored as the terms and conditions on a software update.
Are your emails too effective? You should fix that. Email campaigns should be guaranteed to be marked as spam. Watch your open rates plummet with every send. After all, less engagement means less work, right?
👍 Ignore your messages | Lump all subscribers together | Overlook mobile compatibility| Never test anything | Keep email campaigns manual
👎 Personalize your messages | Segment your subscribers | Send mobile-friendly emails | Automate email campaigns
